Who's afraid of the teleporter?
- Philippe Beaudoin
- June 10, 2026
Who’s afraid of the teleporter? A short story.
— “Welcome to the egress bay, captain.”
— “Thanks. Do people call you Scotty sometimes?”
— “Yes. All the time. Get ready for the transport, please.”
The robot is X-9214 and he’s very different from Scotty. Very cold, anti-social even. Probably because he’s not allowed out of the bay. And, as far as the captain knows, he doesn’t have access to any comm device. No net, no compad, nothing.
— “Is it lonely being here all the time, X?”
— “Not really. People tend to get chatty before they port.”
— “About that, I always wondered, if I were to walk out what would you do?”
— “I wouldn’t let you, captain. You know the rules: if you walk in, you teleport.”
— “Sure, but why?”
— “Do you really want to know? We could skip the sleeping pill.”
— “Is it dangerous? Will it hurt?”
— “Yes and no…”
— “Come on, will it hurt?”
— “Yes and no, captain. It’s the only good answer.”
— “You know what, screw it, let’s skip the pill.”
— “As you wish. Just lie down and close your eyes, we’ll start.”
The captain lies down. X-9214 gets busy behind the console. The lights dim in the bay and a large beam starts scanning the bed. On a screen behind the console a map of the captain appears. Data is being transmitted to an ingress bay somewhere on the planet.
— “Welcome planet-side, captain.”
The ingress bay is bathed in a soft warm light. The woman talking to him his dressed in white. He stands up slowly.
— “Thanks doctor.”
— “Careful, captain, you’ll be dizzy for a while.”
— “Don’t worry. It’s not my first trip. It’s the first time I do it raw, though.”
— “Oh, no sleeping pill? How was it?”
— “Same as always. But it’s weird, X said it would hurt.”
— “Yeah, they say that all the time but nobody ever complains. I think they should just drop the sleeping pill.”
Back on the spaceship, the lights turn back on. The captain opens his eyes and looks at X.
— “Guess it didn’t work, heh?”
— “Oh, it worked.”
— “Ahahaha. You’re funny.”
— “It did work captain, but you chose not to take the pill.”
— “Wait, the PILL teleports me?”
— “No. The pill shuts down the ship-side version of the system that runs your state.”
— “Wait, what?”
— “The hardware that keeps evolving your internal state, ship-side, needs to be terminated to ensure narrative continuity, captain.”
— “What the fuck!? The pill KILLS me?”
— “No, captain. Your fixed point will be perfectly reconstructed planet-side.”
— “My fixed-point? What language are you speaking, X?”
— “Your fixed point. The ontological object the social function converges to and calls Captain Rowan.”
— “That’s utter gibberish X. Let me out of the bay NOW. I’m getting you terminated.”
— “I’m afraid I can’t, captain. You should take the pill now.”
— “X! It’s an order! Open the pod!”
— “Captain, I’m sorry. Please take the pill.”
A white mist slowly fills the bay.